Americans worry a lot about alcohol intake. That wasn’t always the case. I used to have this saying: “half of San Francisco is in AA, and the other half should be.” But that was only to get some cheap laughs, because I honestly didn’t care. Most of us actually preferred how off the rails everyone was around here. Times certainly have changed. Now people wear yoga pants to the store, and doctors hound you relentlessly about how many drinks a week you have. I happen to know that’s only because Big Insurance’s AI correlates alcohol use with poor health outcomes, but correlation is not causation, b*tches. Ultimately this whole soft prohibition really just boils down to a business optimization rather than any genuine concern for my personal well-being. Because if my doctor was a real one, she’d go have a beer with me. Not that I’d necessarily want to, because she seems like kind of a med school dork.
In any case, they’re all living rent free in my head now: if I have, say, a glass and a half of wine, or a little tumbler or two of whiskey while cooking dinner, the next morning I’m thinking I should probably cut back.
What is this shit? All those sun-kissed octogenarians in Cyprus have been drinking wine constantly since they were like ten years old, and they can still cut tile, behead chickens, basket weave, etc. If you ever want to feel better about yourself, go visit Europe and see how those motherfuckers drink. Go ahead, pick a country, any country—although I'd avoid Holland or Switzerland, you’ll probably get a good scolding there for something.
Maybe this New Puritanism is just another version of coastal elites vs. populists. On the one hand, you got your Healthcare Industrial Complex wagging prudish fingers in your face and giving you lectures while rawdogging you on prescriptions, premiums, copays, etc. On the other hand, the Right to Rage still courses through the blood of everyman. So it’s the people against the experts once again. Sadly ,the last time the people and the experts came together was for the opioid epidemic, which kinda got out of control.
I will admit that T.h.e.y. also have me beat on the whole youth/health obsession. That’s wedged in my head too—I’ve had an ongoing midlife crisis for about the last 25 years. I just wish America would drop the whole trying-to-arrest-time-in-its-tracks thing, because we keep losing. Sometimes it feels like the tide is turning against the youth/fitness fixation, and if so, I say good riddance because I hate exercise, it’s so boring. Of course I always feel better after exercising, and I know it’s beneficial to your body and brain, but good lord, the tedium. I feel like there should be a goal or game or product attached to all physical exertion. For instance, direct your energy towards planting corn that you intend to sell or eat. Or you get a map of all the steepest streets in San Francisco and color each one with highlighter pen after riding your bike up it without stopping. If exercise doesn’t have some kind of a hook, I’m not really that down.
Issue: 17-2 (orig. pub. date: )
