Shit peddling jackals posing as "trainers" or "experts" are ravaging the swollen necrotic corpus of private schools. They call their crappy wheelhouse "Professional Development," or "PD" for short. To get at their pounds of flesh, these snake oil salesmen construct bogus "institutes," padding their resumes with made-up credentials. Their wares: vapid neologisms piped in via Helvetica font to gullible, cowed educators paying $750 a day for the privilege of having their minds slowly clubbed to death. Lunch is included.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
People are so bent out of shape about Russia trying to mess up our "democracy" by poisoning our public discourse. As if it wasn't shitty enough to begin with already. Well. You know how a few years back, in good ol' Afghanistan, we airdropped rations to their people? With love notes inside? And how our troops would give the kids candy? And how we called all that "winning hearts and minds"? So I mean if you look at it from the other side, you could probably say that Russia is maybe just trying to win our hearts and minds. Is that so bad?
What would be hilarious is if they could drop a shitload of care packages to our people. Inside each parcel could be a handgun, ammo, and a message reading, "Respect the 2nd Amendment. Sincerely, Russia." And maybe a picture of Putin wrestling a bear. I'd bet that 50% of Americans would turn in their new guns to the police, then go have a glass of wine. The other 50% would go on Breitbart to fire up potential Nancy Pelosi assassins. When you look at it from any side that's not totally insane though, the phrase "winning hearts and minds" is a little bit fucking creepy and I'm not sure anybody should be saying that shit out loud if they're actually doing it.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
So it turns out that "vile" and "valuable" are not mutually exclusive qualities. Who knew? This New York Times #1 bestseller has been roundly criticized for its numerous flaws, all of which I hereby claim provide a perfect synergistic form for its loathsome content. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who will lick the President's balls? Ya see?
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Pictured above: Illustrator Michael Hunt's
fatwa-defying hyperrealistic portrait of Allah
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
The Leftovers
I know what bacteria is, but I don't accept the notion that leftovers are inherently gross or dangerous. If they don't smell bad, or aren't covered in mold, they should be eaten, because leftovers are FREE FOOD goddamn it. If you like throwing away food, you may as well light dollar bills on fire. What's the worst that could happen from eating leftovers? A little stomach ache maybe? You know you can cure that with a Tums, don't you? which costs like a quarter. And you just saved $7.50 on lunch, so #manup. Even if by some bizarre stroke of bad luck you happened to get diarrhea, you probably just lost three pounds. You know, some douchesacks out there pay big money to get the same results from a "boot camp." $$$
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Everyone in SF wants to live on Mars Street, or Beaver, or Bonar over in Berkeley. But man, what I wouldn't give to be able to fill out some form listing my actual home address in:
• Dildo, Canada
• Sucka, Lichtenstein
• Phuket, Thailand
• Dorking, England
• Dyckesville, Wisconsin
• Vagina, Russia
That's not me trying to get cute. Those are REAL PLACES, dummy. Google them, dammit!Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
The strangest thing about Stranger Things is its massive appeal. Spielberg's aesthetic was corny back in the 80s. Why would anyone want to take a retro trip back to shitsville? I understand the world can only handle just so many Breaking Bad imitators, so I welcome the attempt. But it's a mystery to me how a jumble of hackneyed teen tropes, Goatse-sized plot holes, and an overacting 55-year-old woman with no wrinkles can fly with even the most post-ironic audiences.
If I see Season 2 through to the end, it'll only be in search of more anti-millennial material. I can be patient: I made it through every episode of American Horror Story and The Walking Dead. On the other hand, I've rage-quit on Better Call Saul, Black-ish, and Love. Now I'm wondering if I should maybe start looking for a seat on the "Golden Age of TV Is Over" bandwagon.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
When I was a kid I saw the James Bond movie "Live and Let Die" and I thought it was the best ever. I just rewatched it and goddamn! Bond is such a fucking dickbag. Every time he meets a pretty girl he immediately tries to bone her.
The women in Bond films are uniformly childlike, helpless, and gorgeous, except for a handful of scrotum-kicking Russian harpies. The only normal-seeming woman in all of Bondland is Miss Moneypenny, who is actually pretty hot, and definitely hot for James. But since she's not young enough to be his daughter, he couldn't be bothered. It's sort of implied that James and Moneypenny do occasionally smash, which you know he 100% does so that she will occasionally pull some mission critical shit for him in the middle of the night without getting paid a nickel of overtime.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
vvvvv Tears of Existential Horror vvvvv
Simon & Garfunkel, "The Sounds of Silence"
Angel Olson, "Acrobat"
Boris, "Flood II/Flood III"
Carole King, "It's Too Late"
Neutral Milk Hotel, "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea"
Kamasi Washington, "Truth"
^^^^^ Tears of Joy and Gratitude ^^^^^
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Father-in-law: You're still reading that book? I thought you'd have been done with it by now.
Me: Well, the content is sort of heavy. I'll read a chapter, then I have to put it down and come back to it later.
Father-in-law: Yeah, those are the kinds of books I usually throw away.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I used to say that one of the best approaches to undermining an opponent is to casually suggest that they are "pretty insecure" because who isn't? It's never really up for debate.
By the same token, try insinuating that someone might be "a little on the spectrum" and see if you don't experience a few sage nods from the audience.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Why do California snowflakes keep buying natural herbal supplements that do nothing? You can add CBD and THCa to the list of worthless junk ingested in my household. Based on preliminary tests, the only hippie things that actually work are incense, tiger balm, and LSD.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
All these people criticizing the FBI for not following up on tips. Do people not have any idea how many kooks are calling in wacko shit every damn day? For example on NextDoor, I get these emails saying "there's a weird looking guy walking down 19th street, I called it in."For all I know that was me. Then an hour later: "Did anyone else hear that really loud noise at 10:30 pm? I called it in." That was probably me too. Sometimes I get mad at my PS/4, so what.Everyone thinks they‘re so fucking smart. Why do you think they call it hindsight, it's because you have your head up your ass.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Even the people who are scared of it know that Black Mirror is the best show on TV. Surprisingly it's also the easiest one to write plots for. Look at this shit:
SO EASY! HIT ME UP CHARLIE BROOKER DON'T BE SCARED HOMIE WE GOT THIS
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
People say stuff like, "I knew the Eagles were gonna win the Super Bowl." And I get that it's just a figure of speech, but let the record show that you didn't know the Eagles were going to win, you thought they would win, and in this case you happened to be right. So another figure of speech is you don't know shit about shit.
Take Trump's tax cuts: half of America is convinced that these are not only morally just, but exactly what's needed to improve the economy. The other half thinks they're an irresponsible giveaway to the rich, a setup for future failure.
Everyone acts so convinced. For instance, me and my ilk believe that "trickle-down economics" is just a bogus frame for validating the rentier oligarchy. But then, you see, I work at a rich kids' private school, i.e. the wealth kind of does trickle down to me, i.e. (a) I'm probably a hypocrite and (b) maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and collect my paycheck.
Economists are the worst though. They can't even agree on the most basic stuff, probably because they're Harvard MBA's who majored in Self-Regard. So the OMB will come out and say "U.S. jobs are up this quarter!" then along comes Krugman like: "oh they changed the counting methodology, actually jobs are down relative to blah blah blah" and the echo chambers get all jizzy about reporting bias. Still, I think I'd trust Krugman or even Alan "Junior Milton" Greenspan over the sycophantic clown whisperers littering the White House floor.
Of course in two years, if the economy is tanking, everyone's going to trot out their favorite scapegoat for a good whacking. And if it's booming, everyone and his brother will run around claiming credit for it. But really: you didn't know. ‘Cause you DON'T fucking know
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Now that our 100% blind dog has developed glaucoma and her cataracts have kicked into high gear, her nicknames areproliferating like Santa Rosa wildfire. Check 'em, bro:
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I stopped watching professional sports a long time ago. But then I recently started following mixed martial arts, which makes absolutely zero sense besides the fact that I've always liked horror. The only non-MMA thing I know about in sports now is Fuck the Patriots.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
(Yawny starts Spotify playlist on stereo)
Wife: This? I'm sorry, no.
Yawny: Really? King Gizzard? They're great.
Wife: It's like...hobbity-sounding. All this singing about castles or whatever.
Yawny: Wait a minute. So...you never liked Jethro Tull either, did you? OK. Now we need to get a divorce.
Wife: That's fine.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
You know how when you blow out the birthday candles, they tell you to make a wish? I was wondering, who's that supposed to be for? Is it God? Because who else listens in to your thoughts, and sometimes grants you prizes, right? But nobody ever says to the birthday boy or girl: "now pray for something good to happen to you." They just say "make a wish."
I guess I'm trying to figure out if wishes are supposed to be like #goals, or more of a direct appeal to a supernatural being. I remember one time in 5th or 6th grade there was this girl I liked and when I was walking home I thought, "Dear God, if you're listening, please let that girl like me, and I'll never doubt again that you're real." Then about a year later the girl did like me, and I remember being totally embarrassed that I had prayed for it, saying to myself, "you dumbass, did you really think there was some kind of genie in a bottle working for you? The deal's OFF."
At least when kids write to Santa, they know who it is they're addressing, even if the whole premise is so damned flimsy. Who came up with that Santa shit? And what does it have to do with the horrific execution of an alleged martyr 2000 years ago? You know, in Sweden they have young girls walk around with burning candles stuck in their hair before Christmas. That is some terrifying imagery that is entirely appropriate to the subject matter.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Dear Vladimir,
I am highly qualified and available to begin work immediately. My market innovation is around developing posts that trigger in both Breitbart and HuffPo. Samples enclosed below. Write back soon, Love Yawny
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
It was pretty cool when Donald Trump gave a shout-out to Norway recently. Unfortunately for him, even if Norwegians did want to emigrate to the US—which they mostly don't—they would not advance his brand at all, because Norwegians are totally uninterested in Trump's kind of daily drama. I don't think his antics really make any sense to them.
I was just in Norway last summer, and it's stunningly beautiful, but their idea of fun is smoking a pipe on a mountain-top. Or perhaps spending the day knitting, with a midday break to slice off a few pieces of hard cheese with a fish knife.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
My son's guitar teacher keeps telling him "You're wasting time," and I think it's probably the best single piece of advice anyone could give another human, because it's almost always true. I think the other top pieces of advice for humanity would be "please stop talking" and "you know, not everyone should procreate."
You don't have to be ultra-productive in every waking moment. There's a time and a place to relax and recharge. But what nobody should do, ever, is stay up until 2 am watching Twitch streams of other people playing video games. I'm not even sure about spending three hours every damn Sunday completing all the NY Times puzzles. People might say, "oh, those are brain exercises. They improve your thinking." NO. You're getting better at doing puzzles.
And yet, I'm getting so good at KenKen! Also just curious but how many of you have defeated Abhorrent Beast in the Chalice Dungeons? Not too many, I'll wager.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
OLD WOMAN (eyes Yawny suspiciously): You're going in the ocean in this rain.
YAWNY: Yeah. I'm gonna get wet anyway.
OLD WOMAN: I don't know. I'm from New York.
YAWNY: Oh, you can surf there too.
OLD WOMAN: You can NOW. You couldn't before. The waves were too big.
YAWNY: Hmm. Well. stay warm, I guess.
OLD WOMAN (glares, walks away)
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Hefeweiss gets lemon slice; Mexican beer gets lime wedge; Belgian ale gets orange ???? WTF IS THIS ???? WHO DECIDES?????
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I'm not really an eye-for-an-eye kind of person, but sometimes it makes sense. I mean, we all agree that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a heartwarming and wise tale, right? Well I was thinking that if Harvey Weinstein won a Golden Ticket, his fate on the chocolate factory tour would be to a have giant icing injector shoved up his ass, filling him with creamy nougat until his insides exploded. With maybe like a billion-dollar production deal dangling on a string in front of his helpless bulging eyes. Because "just desserts," yeah?If Donald Trump got a Golden Ticket, I don't know what would happen to him exactly but I'm thinking it would involve knives and a diaper. How any of that is candy-related I'll leave up to you and your perverted imagination.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
1 "The only 'crisis' I see is the empty shelf in my medicine cabinet. How come millennial kids are swimming in Xanax thanks to a few stupid finals, but a middle-aged taxpaying citizen with four major surgeries and arthritis in every joint can't get a Vicodin or two?"
2 "You know, I wouldn't mind getting sexually harassed once in a while."
3 "They say black lives matter, blue lives matter, all lives matter. I don't know. Honestly I don't think my life really matters that much. Yours might not either, no offense."
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Is it though? When was the last time you saw a "Bridge Out" sign? My utilities all work. I haven't hit a pothole in years. I just don't see what's "crumbling"--besides public schools, which is less a case of suffering from benign neglect than one of being stabbed and shot repeatedly.
"Oh," you say, "the American Society of Civil Engineers gave the U.S. a D+ grade." Of course they did--it's their fucking JOB to find work for their constituents. »»Follow The Money 101««
I'm so triggered when penisy pundits look up to the stock market as the #1 barometer of overall economic health. How about the number of smashed car windows on my block? That index doesn't look so good.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
The missus recently complained because I bought a bottle of Suave men's shampoo at the grocery store, rather than wait for the re-up on the fancy Bumble & Bumble stuff. But I looked at the ingredients on both, and as far as I can tell, they're pretty equivalent. Just about everything in those bottles looks like it could kill you.
The main differences are (a) Bumble & Bumble includes French text translations and (b) Suave uses longer names for chemical compounds—like dioxydimethylchloroflourine, whereas B&B would just say "flourine" or whatever. I'm sure they probably all did their little focus groups and determined that dudes think longer chemical names = smarter scientists working harder on a product, whereas chicks are, like, flourine sounds kind of French and lovely. In the end, it seems that you basically pay double to get better fragrance. Which might be worth it to you.
Do you see how hard I'm trying here? I am. I'm trying. Can we please come together as one, people? It's not too late.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
It seems that everyone expects a Congressional Medal of Honor when they withdraw from social media. They like to tell everyone about how much better their lives are now, how they're living a clean and unsullied life. But how many of you are total fucking G's who ALSO KEEP YOUR CELL PHONE RINGERS OFF PERMANENTLY? You guys feel free to call, but I'm not answering shit. I'm serious.
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Aphids
forefinger crush
Cabbage worms (small)
hammer fist
Cabbage worms (large)
foot stomp
Spider mites
neem oil spray
Leafhoppers
insecticidal soap
Raccoons
stoning
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
would love to hear from you! Send your love letters to yawny@spamtrench.com
Issue: 12-1 (orig. pub. date: )
