Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I think it's clear that, on the whole, black bands are better than white bands, although there are some good white ones too. If you thought this was racist, hmu on social media and I can recommend a couple of good books and workshops for you.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Rub rim of 16 oz. glass with lime wedge, then heavily coat rim with mixture of chili powder and salt. Add 4-6 ice cubes, then juice of 1-2 limes. Pour in 8 oz. Modelo beer (Especial or Negra), then 1 oz. V-8 tomato juice. Add 1/4 tsp. fish sauce, 1/2 tsp. hot sauce, 1/4 tsp soy sauce. Stir. UR WELCOM
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
1950s Alcohol
1960s LSD
1970s Pot
1980s Cocaine/crack
1990s Ecstasy
2000s Oxycontin
2010s Meth
2020s Magical thinking
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Everyone--myself included--shits all over millennials for not wearing masks, panting all over the place with their stupid jogger breath, and taking a generally blase attitude towards coronavirus. But put yourself in their shoes. If I were them, I'd be like, "first of all, thanks, fuckface boomers, for leaving us this ruined piece of shit planet and rigged economy. Second, why are you so mad at us? You're the ones who raised us. You should be mad at yourselves."
The thing is, they would never say that, because they're all too pussy. Why do all millennials seem like they're in corporate sales? I'm so glad I'm a Gen Xer. We gave the world black metalgaze, Melt-Banana and hip-hop, AND we are the sworn enemies of both boomz and millies.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
The other day I woke up from a stress dream with "The Morning After" by Maureen McGovern stuck in my head. And yes, the dream did take place in a shopping mall. Anyway I was annoyed that I couldn't recall who sang it, so I looked it up and discovered that in the early 70s, there were not one, not two, but three mediocre white female singers with the initials MM: Maureen McGovern, Maria Muldaur, and Melissa Manchester. And that's not even counting America's sweetheart, Maureen McCormick. What are the odds?
Apparently the invisible hand of the free market, a/k/a Satan, never sleeps; it just keeps tirelessly grasping and fingering things all through the night.
Like that time we gave our son what we thought was an unusual name, then look, the kid next door has it too, and suddenly so do four other kids at school. Then we name our daughter something we figured nobody else would possibly think of, except for Deborah apparently, but oh wait, now we see Obama has also chosen that EXACT SAME NAME for his daughter. The fuck? And then you discover that libertarians are always named Tim or Trevor, and the list goes on. True free choice is an illusion, please believe me.
Look, I don't know if we're living in a simulation, but mind control by advertising algorithms is real, and there is a shitload of data collection feeding it. Speaking of which, those "Check here: I am not a robot"CAPTCHA challenges are so humiliating. Yeah, we get it, we're being controlled. Stop rubbing our noses in it.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I love slang, though it's pretty hard to keep up with it. I know it's all just cute little code words and sayings meant to make younger people feel vibrant and alive and in control of their destiny, but I still like it.
One thing I've noticed is that since everyone's so defensive nowadays, a lot of the current lingo seems like it was invented just for protection. For instance, if you ever hear someone say "it's all good," that roughly translates to "this is the stupidest shit I've ever heard, but maybe if I say this little phrase I won't get cancelled."
Similarly, "it's all love" can be taken as an expression of "I'm high ASF right now and don't really care too much about you and your weird ideas."
One of the most popular sayings today is the faux-Zen-tautology "it is what it is," which on its face sounds kind of namaste-y, but really can be best understood as: "the world is so seriously fucked up, and this right here is just one more example of the kind of petty-ass shit my day to day life gets peppered with.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
"You got one kid on the guitar, the other one's playing that other thing. How did you all end up being magicians."
"What is this movie, Lemony Snitches?"
"We had a big snake in here, it was a python or a boa constructor."
"What's going on over there in San Francisco? I heard they stole your Cadilladic converter."
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
likes = [ f strings, venv, @property decorator, list comprehensions, requests, PEP-8 ]
dislikes = [ generators, Flask documentation, PyGame, Python programmers ]
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
⊕Jamie Smith-Jackson, who played Alice in the TV version of Go Ask Alice (co-starring William Shatner and Mackenzie Phillips, I kid you not, go watch it), is fucking married to Michael Ontkean, who played Hawk on Twin Peaks. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT
⊕ One of the "light bulb kids" interviewed in The Decline of Western Civilization was Dinah Cancer, who went on to not only front the immortal death-punk group 45 Grave, but act in multiple low-budget horror films. WUUUT
⊕ Carol Channing was part black? Come on. Seriously? I never heard that shit before. Wait, now you're saying Babe Ruth was black too? BRO STR8 SPITTIN FACTS
⊕ President Jimmy Carter installed solar panels on the roof of the White House...then Ronald Reagan took 'em down in 1986! EIGHTIES VIBES HOMIE
⊕ Flipper's "The Game's Got a Price" and "Ha Ha Ha" are almost exactly the same song DAFUQ SRSLY
⊕ I just found out you can get the death penalty for blasphemy in Nigeria! Jesus H. Christ, what century is this? Thank bloody fucking God in hell I don't live there! LOL REKT
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Trump's obsessed with "fair" and "unfair." What's unfair is that I never get TSA Precheck. Dammit, I pay my taxes.
Yeah, so I read one Chris Hedges book. Big deal. And what is it with the attitude from the TSA security goons. They act like we're all so stupid, at the same time pretending they're not constantly changing the rules. Shoes on, shoes off. Watches on, watches off. Laptop in bag, laptop out, laptop in separate tray. Make up your minds, assholes.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
1. Urine.
2. Feces.
3. Grammatical magick.
7. Good luck.
13. Bad luck.
69. Erotic invocator.
86. Annihilation.
187. Death curse.
420. Hour of spiritual elevation.
666. Dark Lord invocator.
808. Rhythm God invocator.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
...is not anything Billie Eilish or Kamasi Washington or anything like that. The best record of the 2010s is, by overwhelming consensus, The Caretaker's ambitious 6-LP set "Everywhere at the End of Time." In particular, records 4-6.
If you don't believe me, the next time a loved one gets terminal cancer, try sitting in a bed with them for two months listening to old jazz records and TV reruns. Then, post-mortem, give this masterpiece a spin. This recording contains many of the secrets and keys to the universe, mainly the terrifying, sad, and sublime ones.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
It seems like everybody has a therapist now. What the fuck. I wouldn't mind having one. I called Kaiser to find out how much a psych consult would be and they quoted me like $500. OK, so what exactly is that $1500 monthly premium for again? We're getting totally scammed.
I know, I'm lucky, I have a sympathetic life partner I can always talk to. But there's a limit to the number of times you can blanket any one person with the details of your daily persecutions. And I guess people could get tired of a so-called "obsession" with mortality, although that's just a theoretical example.
I've never been to a shrink, but I like to imagine that if I did, I'd be a topic of con- versation at a fancy dinner: "I gotta tell you, Jerry, this one patient of mine is really a piece of shit." But that's probably just impotent fantasy. Tons of people are really messed up, not just me. I mean there are guys who cut off their fingers and then sew them back on just for fun. I'm serious. On the scale of in- sanity I'm probably like a 2. See, watch this: "I hope 95% of humanity dies from Covid, especially the ones who didn't wear masks, but dear God, please spare my friends and family." Not that bad, right?
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
It’s funny, I wrote a whole “things are looking really terrible now”issue like a year ago. But I felt like I could never publish it because every day, another shitty thing would happen, and I couldn’t keep up with the news cycle. Ultimately though, I just can't resist tooting my stupid little horn. So here I am to add my voice to the chorus of reviewers panning the current season. Look, the narrative has gone completely bonkers. All these wooden, cliché characters are either completely unrealistic, or just plain repulsive. And worst of all, the costume and set design have been abysmal.
I suppose, as the creepy Ukranian dishwasher repairman told me the other day, “we get what we deserve.” (I’m just glad he didn’t think I deserved to e chopped up into little pieces and fed to his German Shepherds, because Ireally thought that was the vibe. BTW is that racist of me to say “Ukranian”? Can a Norwegian-Jew hybrid actually BE racist towards a Ukranian? Press 1 to confirm, 2 to deny, 3 for I don’t care. )
But the dishwasher guy made a valid point. Chickens DO come home to roost— although sometimes their heads are chopped off, or they’re mutant zombie chickens shot through with ultra-communicable flesh-eat-ing viruses. And there are a lot of damn chickens coming home, so it’s pretty easy to find something horrible to worry about that suits your fancy. For instance, throw a dart at a world map. Or you could randomly rip out a page in the dictionary. Chances are good in either case that you’ll find something legitimately fucked up to obsess about. Like, I don’t know, “plastic.” Or “police.” Or “pods.”
To be fair to the world’s Puppetmasters (ya see?), not everything is awful. For instance, you can still buy kratom on the internet for super cheap. And I think we’ve made significant progress in combating certain Western diseases of the spirit, like ennui and brooding existential dread. We’ve developed effective replacement therapies: panic and raging existential terror. It's possible some might see that as a “cure is worse than the disease” thing, but personally, I’m a big fan of horror and adrenaline, so I guess I’m good with the tradeoff. And yeah, I realize that’s my privilege speaking, but thanks.
I should note that a lot of people do go on Joe Rogan’s podcast to say, “you know, in the larger scope of history, things aren’t that bad. Our poor people have cable TV and cars and stuff.” And it's true, world hunger is down, homicide rates are down, there were a ton of awesome neighborhood fireworks shows 4th of July, etc. But right now I stan all ye Cassandras predicting super ultra fucked up and weird everything just around the corner. It feels like maybe we’re headed down a giant chute towards some terrifying loops and nauseating corkscrews.
Issue: 13-1 (orig. pub. date: )
