You know how every generation gets better at stuff ? Like how little kids can easily do things that would have been considered advanced for seasoned professionals like 30 years ago? That’s progress, right? Like, it would be weird if people actually got *worse* at everything as the years went on, right?
I think a healthy and appropriate view of each new generation’s accomplishments, especially coming from a so-called “progressive libertarian” {lol wtf }, would sound something like: “wow, that’s awesome! I’m so impressed at the talent level these days! It’s incredible, so inspiring, what young people can do with a positive mental attitude and solid training! These kids rule!”
Another viewpoint might be: “Goddamn it, here’s yet another video of some 11-year-old girl in her pajamas crushing the ‘Good Times, Bad Times’ drum pattern, including the broken triplets part, which I’ve never in my life been able to do. So what? These kids had it handed to them on a silver platter. We never had lessons or YouTube videos showing you exactly how to do everything under the sun. Then they cry about how how we ruined the planet for them, but you never hear any thanks for all the cool shit.”
On a related note, do you ever wonder why more young daredevils don’t die in the course of their little clout-chasing pursuits? And do you think it would be bad if someone wished for that to happen once in a while? Not all the time, but just sometimes, like as a wake-up call, to stem glassy-eyed millennial solipsism? Asking for a friend.
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
You know how every generation gets better at stuff? Like how little kids can easily do things that would have been considered advanced for seasoned professionals like 30 years ago? That’s progress, right? Like, it would be weird if people actually got *worse* at everything as the years went on, right?
I think a healthy and appropriate view of each new generation’s accomplishments,especially coming from a so-called “progressive libertarian” {lol wtf}, would sound something like: “wow, that’s awesome! I’m so impressed at the talent level these days! It’s incredible, so inspiring, what young people can do with a positive mental attitude and solid training! These kids rule!”
Another viewpoint might be: “Goddamn it, here’s yet another video of some 11-year-old girl in her pajamas crushing the ‘Good Times, Bad Times’ drum pattern, including the broken triplets part, which I’ve never in my life been able to do. So what. These kids had it handed to them on a silver platter. We never had lessons or YouTube videos showing you exactly how to do everything under the sun. Then they cry about how how we ruined the planet for them, but you never hear any thanks for all the cool shit.”
On a related note, do you ever wonder why more young daredevils don’t die in the course of their little clout-chasing pursuits? And do you think it would be bad if someone wished for that to happen once in a while? Not all the time, but just sometimes, like as a wake-up call, to stem glassy-eyed millennial solipsism? Asking for a friend.
A friend recently told me that 2020 was “the best year of my life, hands down.” I have to agree, there was a lot of great stuff about Covid, as long as you didn’t have a loved one die, or get robbed by some desperate rando, or watch helplessly while your hard-earned small business, everything you ever worked for in your life, slowly went up in smoke.
For me, the main thing was that all the tech bros left town and it was so nice to be able to walk down the street without seeing anyone on a hoverboard. Or “rocking” a corporate fleece vest while riding in a self-driving car. So not only did disruptive technologies get canceled, but you could also get across town in twenty minutes.
People say, oh I wonder if this will change the way people are in the long run. Well, I certainly hope so. I hope the ban on people jogging down the sidewalk persists. I’d also like to keep the general no-hugging rule intact for as long as I “live.” And can we maybe finally put an end to blowing out the birthday candles? That shit is fucking disgusting.
Indeed, the pandemic got me thinking more about sound hygiene, and that’s a good thing. Biting your nails is a surefire way to make yourself sick. So I mostly stopped that habit, and I realized The flip side of being ultra microbe-conscious is that, like everything else, it’s a slippery slope to insanity. Just think about all the junk floating around in the air all the time. You’re pretty much constantly inhaling toxic particles, like heavy metals and plastic and aerosols, not to mention other people’s gross smells. This is the moment where I ask that you please Google “fecal-oral route” and “toilet plume.” Now: if you had to choose, which would you rather inhale: plastic, microscopic organisms, or shit? Guess what, you don’t actually have a choice. Maybe there’s something to animism after all. In a way, there really are “spirits”—viruses, bacteria, radiation and fumes—inhabiting things. Some are beneficial and some are harmful. I just don’t know that praying to them will make that much of a difference. Hey! what if “ghosts” are simply the off-gassing particles from a decaying corpse? Then I’d believe in them. Although I highly doubt these particle clouds have a unified consciousness, much less a malevolent one, I’d still be inclined to avoid them. The last thing I’ll say about Covid is that, let’s be honest, ultimately the earth probably could use a few billion less people. I don’t mean YOUR grandma specifically, or YOUR nephew with a respiratory problem, I just mean in the abstract. You might say, wow what a horrible thing to say, but isn’t this just Gaia putting her finger on the scale? I mean how can Mother Earth fighting back against the most destructive, invasive species she’s ever birthed be a BAD thing? It’s actually kind of noble and awe-inspiring, in a nature’s-terrible-beauty sort of way. The other way you could look at it is as a kind of market correction, but that’s not really my style. In any case, we definitely have enough humans already, and clearly we present the greatest threat to life on the planet. I honestly don’t get why people get a tax credit for having kids. I think you should probably get a tax credit for NOT having kids, but whatever. Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) Beatles vs. MonkeesBeatlesMonkeesWrote great songsXVision of a kinder, gentler worldXAll 4 members talentedXHad funny TV showXStill sell records to this dayXIronicX WINNER: MONKEES Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) People sometimes ask “why do you like sick and disturbing horror movies?” and I’m like, well, how should I know? Do I look like a shrink to you? Do I look like the type who would even pay for a shrink? I don’t know, I just like ‘em. I mean, why do you like pizza? All that melted congealed farm animal mothers’ milk. Look, I’m sure I could come up with some fancy reasons for liking messed up movies, but I’ll tell you one thing, I wasn’t molested as a child, and I wasn’t neglected either, so don’t start in on any of that shit. Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) One of the things I hate the most is when people who get an award say “just hold on to your dreams, keep at it, you can do anything if you put your mind to it.” This is demonstrably false. First of all, there are limits. Like you can’t do telekinesis. As a kid I really, really wanted to be able to move objects solely by concentrating on them. Because back then, charlatans would go on TV talk shows and demonstrate their psychic powers by moving a pencil across a table with their mind. Then it turned out they were just blowing on the pencil. Another time, someone gave me a book about how fairies and pixies were real, supposedly you just had to know how to train your mind to see them and talk to them. Well, that is total b.s. and borderline dangerous advice. Why fill kids’ heads with useless ambitions, unless you’re just doing it to make a quick buck. Secondly, a lot of success is simply sheer luck. Not everyone has the genetic makeup of Beyonce, or Albert Einstein; or the Hollywood connections of, say, Pauly Shore. And for every LeBron James or Axl Rose, there are twenty million other kids who “followed their dreams” only to get hit by a bus, or had to take care of an ailing relative, or just never happened to be in the right place at the right time. I think if someone wants to maximize their chances of becoming a celebrity, the top advice you could give is: “become a raging egomaniac.” True, self-centeredness and greed are what’s driven half of the globe into a state of utter desperation and despair, but ultimately I think that’s the secret formula. Not that I followed any such prescription myself: my credo has always been more “just, like, do whatever,” and overall I think it’s served me pretty well. I mean, I’m still alive right? Or....AM I Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) *** Before Kevin Shields discovered how to spam the tremolo bar, MBV sounded exactly like Sonic Youth! *** Debbie Googe used to date one of the women from Stereolab! *** Loveless had 15 engineers! *** Half the time you think Bilinda Butcher is singing it’s actually just Kevin Shields! Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) OK, nobody ever came right out and said: “this Yawny’s Digest thing is so cis/het straight white male GenX-Boomer, it’s just trash.” But I know they all think it. Fine, but how many books by fierce, intelligent women did YOU read in the last year? Did you read:
And I didn't even like some of those books. What have you done for women writers lately, besides Zadie Smith? All I'm saying is, if you haven’t read any of these compelling volumes written by women, then I think perhaps you had better get off my lawn.BOOMER SHOOTOUT
Why Why Why Why?
Follow your dreams… to complete annihilation
Useless My Bloody Valentine Trivia
VirtueQuest: Elite Achievement
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
What’s this, Japan doesn’t have an army? Their Constitution prohibits declaration of war?
Ameara LaVey of the Vomit Gore Trilogy was shot and killed at the age of 34 in a real-life double homicide?
Michael K. Williams carries crystals to keep himself grounded?
Nemesis was a woman?
Courtney Love’s godfather is Phil Lesh?
Whoa, I just noticed that Phil + Lesh = Flesh
Do you think he changed his name to be edgy? Or did his parents name him that to be edgy? Or was it just the hand of Satan?
YER KIDDING MEIT’S A JOKE RIGHT?COME ON, MANNAHBUNCH O’ MALARKEY
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Everyone knows Bernie Bros were always just in it for the chicks, right? But nobody ever talks about the needs and desires of right-wing cucks. They got their Babe Army too. The main difference between the left and the right wing in the USA today is that lefties go for the psycho college girl look, while rightsters favor that high-class hooker thing.
It’s a totally unfair double standard that female politicos are supposed to be hot while it’s OK for the guys to be nerdy dorks. Nonetheless, let’s for a moment link arms and imagine a wonderful world, in which a WWE Smackdown happens between these two formidable squads. Who would win in (a) tug of war (b) debate (c) modeling?
LEFT WOOD: Ana Kasparian Krystal Ball Briahna Joy Grey Abby Martin
RIGHT WOOD: Tomi Lahren Megyn Kelly Laura Ingraham Candace Owens
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
YAWNY: Sup shawty?
WIFE: Are you talking to me?
YAWNY: Lemme holla atcha.
WIFE: What are you, making a new phone message? What is this for?
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
You probably don’t want to know how the sausage gets made at private schools, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The casings are made from human skin, which are stuffed with shredded cash, ground idealism, and a dash or two of amateur child psychology. Very well, you say, that’s the recipe, but what about the actual process? And who are the sausage makers? I’m glad you asked.
How are salaries and tuition levels set? Easy! (1) First, install corporate execs on the board who are themselves beneficiaries of overcompensation. (2) Next, request similarly outrageous salaries for school administration. (3) Now jack up tuition to meet obscenely swollen payroll....(4) ...and pressure peer schools to enter into an escalating arms race of expenses. (5) Rinse and repeat annually!
Legions of failed/burned-out teachers take refuge in pointless but lucrative middle management roles, shuffling papers and passing the buck up and down the line. The result: bloated bureaucracies characterized by inept, soulless communications, passed off without irony as “professionalism.”
So-called accreditation teams run by other headmasters from the same 1% income bracket periodically “review” each others’ schools to rubber-stamp the amazing service being performed by “leadership.”
Smelling blood in the water, a parasitic class of shit peddlers has emerged to feast on the swollen corpus of private schooling. These snake oil salesmen construct bogus “institutes” and pad their resumes with pseudo-credentials under the made-up umbrella category Professional Development. Their product: empty neologisms pasted into ugly PowerPoints for gullible, sheeplike educators who pay $750 a day for the privilege of having their minds slowly clubbed to death. Lunch is included.
In the name of “social justice,” rich kids are force-fed ideological litmus tests, which they memorize in lieu of mastering essential skills like grammar, history, science, rhetoric, or even mathematics—all now deemed “pedantic,” “colonialist,” or “patriarchal.”
Meanwhile, kids and parents alike are told that students’ mistakes are indicative of success rather than failure. The virtues of “collaboration” (i.e. letting the smartest kid in a group do all the work) are endlessly extolled, even though the real world still depends on people being able to do their own jobs. Space is “created” for bratty behavior in the name of honoring social-emotional development. Educators are doubly praised for being culturally competent if the disobedient child happens to fall outside of the majority wealthy/white demographic.
In the old days, parents occasionally disciplined their kids and stayed the hell out of school. Now, for their annual $40k investment, they expect a 24/7 personal behavioral trainer + a magic carpet ride to college + a receptive personal audience whenever anything bugs them. So if a kid gets a B on a test, it’s time for a meeting with an interdisciplinary support team, where the parent should feel free to whine, threaten, cajole, or bribe that meaningless grade up to an A-.
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
“All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.”
— Thomas Paine, 1795
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
As an adult, the surprising thing about rereading CS Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia is seeing how heavy-handed the Christian allegory is. The surprising thing about rereading The Lord of The Rings is discovering that it’s gay as fuck! Not that there’s anything wrong with that of course. In fact, it’s preferred. I’m just saying that as a wee lad, I had no idea how rampagingly homoerotic Tolkien’s fantasies were.
It’s even more pronounced in the movies: when you take away all the swordfighting (*cough* PENIS *cough*), you’re left with boys winking at each other, boys hugging each other, boys playing dress-up, boys crying when they part ways, and boys crying when reunited. And lots of knowing, what-happens-in-boarding-school-stays-in-boarding-school glances.
The main clue to the true subtext is made plain in the film version of The Return of the King, when the hobbits, who look like a miniature Def Leppard, spend most of their time running around being afraid of a giant flaming vagina AND A FUCKING WEDDING RING.
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
You know, I liked Schitt’s Creek as much as the next coastal elitist. The writing is funny; the characters display classic human frailties, yet they evolve; and the show is permeated with an overall vibe of civility and warmth. I heard the show’s creators speaking eloquently and emotionally about projecting a world that could be, rather than what is.
And that’s exactly why intersectionalists around the globe should join hands with me in roundly denouncing this award-winning television show as the ultimate in reactionary mythmaking. Here’s a world almost 100% devoid of black, brown, red, and yellow people, where the only possible art forms are ridiculously expensive haute couture and corny showtunes. Ugh. In this world, rich assholes are allowed to gallivant around with their shitty, spoiled attitudes, and are not only tolerated, but are lovingly welcomed with open arms by the working-class locals.
In real life, these people’s houses would be getting egged constantly. David would have his ass kicked every episode, and Alexis would’ve had 3 or 4 abortions by series end.
It makes sense though that it was a big hit during Covid, because this is the ultimate back-to-brunch show. Thank God Trump’s gone, now we can go back to mezcal and tapas and bombing the shit out of far-flung poverty-stricken regions of the globe.
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
If you don’t do a good job on something, you’re said to “come up short.” Likewise, if you want to bet on a company failing, you “short” their stock.
Meanwhile, when you have integrity, you’re said to “stand tall.” A “tall drink of water” is a hunk, a beauty. And a “tall order” is a lofty goal that an average person will have real difficulty attaining.
What the fuck kind of heightism bullshit is this? Stop the short shaming. Please sign my urgent petition to
BAN THE WORD ‘SHORT’ NOW
Next issue: abolish all metaphorical speech
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
19 Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.
20 He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed.
RIP INFIDELS
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
p King Krule t Elvis Costelloo Biggie Smalls N Biz Markie
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
• vi • rsync • sed/awk• tar • fsck • nslookup
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
I admire Greta Thunberg, I really do. But imagine if that was your child. What if you asked her to do some chores. I see two possibilities: (1) she executes them dutifully and without question; or (2) she tearfully petitions you to formally recognize and denounce the evils of child labor exploitation.
What I don’t see is: her sullenly doing a half-assed job of it all, cursing under her breath while high on edible gummies like a normal teenager. Do you ever wonder what Greta Thunberg and her friends sit around and talk about? Do they read The Brothers Grimm? Do they turn off the lights and sit in silence? Do they hold each other?
Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )
Another awesome thing about Covid was the fact that our millennial neighbors, a/k/a The Bro-B-Q'ers®, left town for nearly a year. Twelve months free of their late-night backyard “kickbacks” featuring insipid, thumping techno music and slurred boasts about meeting quarterly sales targets. No more of their stupid dog barking at 1am. Seriously, who names their dog “Tucker”? It’s a damn dog. You can’t sign him up for sailing lessons. You can’t put a striped shirt on him.
Well, GenX still has a few tricks up its sleeve. Specifically, a downtuned 6-string bass plugged into an Ampeg SVT, and/or any Whitehouse CD, pointed very loudly in their direction. That shuts the party down every time. Now I think they’re kind of wary of me. It’s like they’re distrustful or something. I mean, it’s not like I poured coyote urine into their backyard or anything, although I could have easily done that, and I feel like they’re not completely respecting that fact.
Funny thing is, if I had a neighbor who started blaring Sunn 0))) or Merzbow, I would be so stoked. That would be the ultimate icebreaker. One of my students’ moms came over to the house in a S>U>B P Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: ) * USAA * Earth Balance* All-Clad * DeWalt* Specialized * Substack Although I don’t use their products, I’d like to go on record as saying that Boston Dynamics is also a top U.S. company, because I don’t want one of their vicious little hunter-dog robots to scan this page -> identify me as a threat -> seek me out -> trap me -> route my anus with a serrated drill bit. Issue: 14-1 (orig. pub. date: )USA FREE MARKET #1
