When I was little, my parents asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I guess I said “an astronaut,” because I was five years old and had shit for brains. Well, they must have thought that was pretty cute, because they got me a toy telescope and some books on astronomy for kids. But later, when I got my first job as a dishwasher at age 12, I realized how shitty and boring most work is, especially compared to time spent paddling around the ocean in a rubber suit. So I made a decision right then and there to avoid the working world as much as possible.
I'm sure at some point I vaguely imagined that a music career would be nice, until I accidentally chopped off the tip of my index finger AT MY FUCKING JOB. As it turns out, that makes it pretty hard to play bass guitar, or any other instrument for that matter. And don’t give me that “Django only had three fingers” shit, I was raised on John Paul Jones and Jaco Pastorius, and “no index finger” doesn’t cut it.
The drab epilogue to the sorry tale outlined here might charitably be described as “a lifetime of failing sideways thanks to a white privilege safety net,” but at least I didn’t work in a bloodsucking F.I.R.E. sector. Although to be fair to my rentier friends, pretty much any job above minimum wage level involves (a) squeezing the peasant class (b) serving as handmaiden to the rich (c) reinforcing the status quo (d) all of the above. Adding insult to injury, most office work is also profoundly pointless.
I think I can sleep a bit better at night knowing that I'm a teacher. My conscience is crystal clear knowing that I'm training the next generation of software engineers to develop ever more innovative techniques to track human activity, distract alienated workers, and convince people to buy a bunch of extra shit they don’t need.
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Yawny: OK, guys, I know I said you could set your username to whatever you wanted, but I think you know that “Anal Geyser” is not really appropriate for school.
Student: What’s wrong with Anal Geyser? Oh well, never mind, that’s OK. I’ll change it right now. Don’t worry.
Yawny: Thanks. You know, you can do that kind of stuff on your personal account all you want, just not here at school. You guys get it. (glances at console, sees student has changed username to “Rectal Carnage”)
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
| Item | Life | Death |
| Freedom from bills, debt, worry | X | |
| Friends & family | X | |
| Peace & quiet | X | |
| No chores | X | |
| Can surf | X | |
| Never again suffer the pain of watching the things you love fade away and die | X | |
| Delicious food and drinks | X | |
| Funny shit | X | |
| Prog rock | X | |
| Metal | X | |
| FINAL SCORE | 5 | 5 |
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
The internet is trash, but if you just take a minute to sift through all the false flags, disaster porn, witch hunts, and idle gossip, you can extract some legitimately funny memes and useful neologisms. My favorite internet terms are already outdated, but include incel, simp, ween, soyboy, lolcow, cope, twink, gank, trumptard, libtard, and gal pal.
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
The best news I’ve seen in a while was a WSJ piece about the US population growth rate approaching zero. People might think you’re an edgy gun nut survivalist type when you say there should be fewer humans on earth, but whatever, I’m 100% serious, people need to GTFO.
I’m not yet at the point of advocating mass murder, unless you could develop a deadly virus that attaches itself to highly leveraged transactions. Oh wait, I forgot, they already did that, it’s called “too big to fail,” and the virus attaches itself to YOU, the taxpayer.
* THANKS OBAMA *
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
GenX guero wanted for anti-Millennial slander. Unarmed and considered not dangerous. Last seen affecting the appearance of a typical Millennial male. Identifying characteristics:
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Last time I bragged about all the books by women I’ve been reading. Now it’s time to tell you all about the AMAZING books I read this year, all written by MEN, that were VERY GREAT and VERY SMART books:
Ignore these insightful and relevant books AT YOUR OWN PERIL
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
All of a sudden everyone’s crazy about Ted Lasso. Here we go again with the feel-good mythmaking. I get it, the world today is unrelenting cataclysms and fuckery, people need uplifting, they want healing and light. Hence the undeserved popularity of Marvel megafilms. But this “Ted Lasso” fantasy of a folksy middle American white guy being what the world needs now is just a bridge too far.
First of all, a tip to all the African players on the team. THE WHITE MAN WILL TRICK YOU. DO NOT BELIEVE HIS APPEARANCE OF KINDNESS. This is the oldest colonial master trick in the book.
Secondly, I want to know why the players and fans stopped calling Ted “wanker.” Under his tenure, the team traded their best player; got relegated; and the weird rich boss lady started making pervy trips to the locker room. Plus Ted is still working that goofy ass Southern-Ned-Flanders vibe, which No True Englishman® would tolerate.
The show did get one thing right: an American going overseas to fix a problem he doesn’t understand or bother to spend five minutes researching is just going to fuck it up royally, and will be blissfully ignorant of his incompetence. This show would be a perfect allegory for American imperial hubris if only the show would end abruptly with Ted getting car bombed.
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
How about when people get their personal mantras from low-IQ celebs like Cardi B or Ronald Reagan. Example: “government is the problem.” Oh yeah? Well who put a man on the goddamn moon then? You know that NASA is a federal organization, right? And their shit is amazing! Moreover, who built the bridges and freeways, and who continues to subsidize the production of not just your beloved cars, but the FUEL THEY RUN ON that takes you to your stupid job suing people, or raping the earth, or making toxic asset shit sandwiches for Citibank, or whatever it is that you do?
I like it when Americans wail about socialism being the ultimate evil, and how it will bring about the end of civilization—by which they mean higher gas prices. Meanwhile, government intervention in energy markets is what’s keeping gas prices low in the first place. You fuckers are swimming in socialism already! Look at this: all modern economies are mixed; and everything is dirty. So all of you need to stop with the holier-than-thou crap. The fantasy of a “free” market is one of the most ludicrous myths perpetuated by the moneyed class since that one about Jeffrey Epstein killing himself.
Reagan was right, in a sense: a BROKEN KLEPTOCRACY stuffed to the gills with war profiteers and rapacious financiers might indeed be “the problem.” But when something’s broken, normally you try to fix it, instead of walking away like a little fucking bitch. This isn’t rocket science. We're talking garden-variety corruption here. You just kick the damn money out, like all sophisticated countries, i.e., the Scandinavians, do.*\n\nThe problem with any political philosophy is that, no matter what mix of capitalism and socialism you favor, it'll only work if everyone agrees not to be such a bunch of greedy dicks. And one bad apple CAN spoil the whole bunch, girl. So it's a tall order. Therefore, while I know that nihilism is “what the elites want,” I still say basically: FUCK IT.
* Readers with reflexive “this claim that Aryan nations are better is so white, so problematic” reactions are reminded that it is not the author's fault that your mind immediately went to racist ideas. Please adjust your Twitter-grifter intake levels accordingly.
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
1. Shock
2. Unbearable waves of paralyzing grief
3. Unbearable waves of paralyzing grief
4. Dafuq? ghosts are real?
5. God Damning
6. Sighing, cleaning
7. Impotent rage towards the coldly abstract, unassailable forces of entropy
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Wife: One of these days I really want to go to Marfa. You feel me on that?
Yawny: Hmm. Not really. I mean I’m sure it’s cool, but that would be pretty low on my list.
Wife: Big surprise.
Yawny: Well to be honest I guess most things are pretty low on my list.
Wife: Yeah. no shit.
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
Hank, Neel, Victor, Atemu, Bill, Beav, Matt, Marnie, Jasper, Buddy, Sabina, Allie
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
| CHILI SAUCE. | SOY PRODUCTS. |
| Sambal Oelek. | Ponzu. |
| Sriracha. | Tofu. |
| El Yucatero habanero. | Tamari. |
| Gochujang. | Tempeh. |
Issue: 14-2 (orig. pub. date: )
